I am probably the last person in roller derby world that should always talk about roller derby. I'm the first one to say I suck, first one to say I'm too old, too big, too slow... the first person around me to say, I don' t know if I should be playing roller derby. I don't track stats on teams, and I love new teams as much as I adore the top seeds in the WFTDA annual championships. I've never gone to B&T or RollerCon personally, and I have never skated on an All-Star or travel team. I've never tried banked track, and have not one image of me playing roller derby where I am jumping wildly in the air, and never got slammed into the penalty box. (Clean player to a fault as a rookie). I've lost my temper but never been ejected for fighting, and was never the last one standing at an after party. But, I want to promote roller derby to the masses. I love it. And I flip flop all the time and think I should just become a ref or give it up.

Why am I like that? Years of finding small things I loved and wanted to do - from drawing, to singing, to playing piano, then clarinet, and wanting to play drums - from my Southern US conservative Baptist, but non-religious family, I was always met with more force that told me it was nice, but useless, that it was more important that I was getting a full educational opportunity, that I could do anything, and should be sure I was able to support myself.

That's to be expected from my grandmother, who survived the depression by quitting school and working her way up from the old-time textile mill factory, into the business office, and to end up owning and operating a family florist business that even trucked fake flower arrangements to K-Mart and Roses of the time until her business burned down to the ground when I was 5, and she became a live flower florist for the rest of her years, as well as teaching a floral design course for our local college. Her only desire being my graduation for high school and university as the first woman in our family to do so.

And it was even a bit understandable from my mother, who was taught the same from my grandmother, became a nurse out of nursing school right out of high school in the 60's and was left by a cheating and terrible man that was my real father when I was little in the 80's so that she had to care for her two daughers on her own.

So I get it. But thereby goes the explanation of the little voice that I have that tells me there is no way I am good enough at anything I do that I find fun (roller derby, singing, dancing, cycling, drawing) that I should just quit. That I am wasting my time because I will gain nothing, no financial security, no education, no useful skills, and nothing that will help me support myself and my yet unborn children should tragendy strike my family someday and leave me to do so, that it's not worth it. The costs are outweighing the benefits. I am spending money and time and effort and pain for nothing. I also have the voice of that nurse that tells me the damage I am doing to my knees and ankles with the injuries I've incurred will gain strength and impede my functional health as a senior someday. Well, that's not a small thing is it?

Roller Derby came into my life at a time when I was just feeling like I deserved to be able to do something I would love to do again - skate - , and I lost my fear of my physical inadequacies, being 32 at that time and moving into the physical and sexual confidence that comes to a woman in her 30s, that gave me just enough fire to say, "I am not going to miss out on what I want because of my body not being model-sized, or because of my age, and I can do anything I want!" and was somewhere between, "this is tough!" and "Yay, I already know how to do that!" and somewhere between, "Get that camera away from me" and "I look pretty cute in that short derby skirt"

Because of what roller derby is, a massive sisterhood of women who usually don't like other women unless they love them, a team of non-team players, a grass-roots, skater-owned, all female, team-spirited, all encompassing and empowering sport of blood, sweat and tears... it owned me. My husband became a derby widow that still says sometimes it's tiring that all I talk about is roller derby, training for roller derby, how I am doing in roller derby, the website and roller derby.

Meanwhile, I feel like the season I got to play in Montreal was so long ago already. Months of being off-skate and not playing feels like years, the pain of injuries and bruises and scrapes just telling me that because of roller derby I no longer need to add piercings, tattoos or more scars to my body. The fact that I keep being willing to try again, to keep going, means that I'm doing something I care about.

I haven't gained a ton of what my family would call useful. I've spent more on gear, clothes, derbyluv.com, and training and transportation to training and bouts than I ever have or can hope to make from a few google ads on my blog and comic site. And I know 100% that most rollergirls I know have done more of that than a homebody like me can imagine. I haven't gained a physically impressive body, because genetically I am cursed with a body that will stay at it's happy fat, curvy size no matter how hard I push it. I haven't gotten money, fame, fortune, or even a new job because of roller derby. I'm not a travelling roller derby boot camp trainer, I wasn't on Rollergirls, I haven't played in any championship game of anything.

But you know what I gained as just a roller derby player? One of hundreds that goes with her derby fame being her name and photo in her local teams program and a facebook or myspace page? I gained a world of people that love something as much as I do. I got more Physical Activity to improve my health. I made a few Friends. I got Self-Confidence (maybe it's still low, but I have some!) Fitness (I may be big but I can do it!) Excitement. Derby Luv! And even got to express myself when I was on a creative and promotion committee.

Worth it?
Abso-freakin-lutely. I wouldn't change anything, other than my physical qualities that impede me and athletic capabilities if that were possible.

And with that said, I am going to keep training to try and be ready to play, though my ankle injury and calf pains are still present in my world, in the next home bout for FCDG, BOUNCE THIS! And let me know if you are interested in advance tickets to that bout here in London, ON on Oct 3, or in 2010 Thames Fatales Calendars that are hot off the presses for only $20, full of some of our loveliest and toughest Thames Fatales skaters, and your very own Nia Capps allowed to be in the team photo - though I was ankle wrapped and hobbling into the group shot.
More details, images and FCDG website updates coming soon!

And are you ready after all the TIFF buzz and CTV talk with Drew Barrymore for the WHIP IT! release? Oct 2, roller derby fans and players. Our perfect chance to get the rest of world into roller derby! Thanks, Drew!

Labels: roller skating, training, whip it